


Cosmos and Regrets

by dustysadderdaze



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Clubbing, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, donghyuck does not know how to talk about his feelings, they're both dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:49:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26275939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dustysadderdaze/pseuds/dustysadderdaze
Summary: Drunk kisses shared between best friends. How could one NOT develop feelings for the other?
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 79
Collections: '00 FIC FEST ROUND TWO





	Cosmos and Regrets

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Just before we get started, I want to state that all drug use portrayed in this fic is COMPLETELY safe and if drug use makes you uncomfortable, please do not read this. That's about all I can think of, I hope you enjoy. <3

“You know you’re gonna have to tell him someday, right? Someday soon,” Jaemin said from the comfort of Renjun’s bed, pink hair flopping messily into his face as he swiped in boredom through his phone.

They’d been over this, plenty of times, and while Renjun was usually a rational and careful person, he was undoubtedly stubborn. He looked at his friend from the mirror on his desk, a pained smile painted on his face, “I think I would rather drop out.” He didn’t really need his degree in photography. He could live without it.

Jaemin stared him down, contemplating whether or not it was worth it to argue with him. Definitely not while he was trying to edit some photos he’d taken on their road trip.

"Ren-" he tried once more before deciding to change the subject. "Anyway, aren't you going out with him tonight?" 

Renjun looked up at the clock above his desk, eyes widening. Yes, he was, and he definitely needed to start getting ready. "Yes, get out, I need to get dressed," he quipped, pushing his chair back and stretching.

Jaemin rolled his eyes and got off of his bed, heading towards his door- but not before looking back at him. "Don't do anything stupid tonight."

Renjun shot him a dirty look, aggravation levels pushing their limits. He knew Jaemin was only looking out for him, but Renjun had already heard it all.

Before he knew it, Donghyuck was letting himself into his apartment, brown hair styled up, glitter accentuating his cheekbones and collarbones- god, he looked divine in the subtle golden jewelry, white button-down barely buttoned halfway. Renjun could admire him all day if given the chance, especially that golden skin.

“Why are you still not dressed, Injun?” Donghyuck sighed impatiently. “We don’t wanna get there tooooo late- just fashionably late.” He grinned. 

Renjun rolled his eyes, running his fingers through his hair. “Yeah, yeah. Make yourself comfortable.” His words had a snarky undertone before he made his way back into his bedroom, not even bothering to close the door. The best friends had no sense of personal privacy. They’d seen each other naked more than their fair share of times.

"God, Renjun, could you be any slower?” Donghyuck’s impatient, borderline needy voice came from Renjun’s kitchen. 

Renjun rolled his eyes, straightening the silver necklace dangling on his defined collarbone.

“I could be, and I will be, if you don’t stop being whiny, Hyuckie,” he called back, slipping his ID in his back pocket before he got up from the stool in front of his vanity. “It was your idea in the first place to go out partying the night before term ends, anyway.” 

Renjun pulled his leather jacket off the hook on his door before heading out to meet his best friend, double-checking that his keys were in his pocket. Jeno was just down the hall so he didn’t really have anything to worry about, but waking him up at three am last time he forgot his keys was embarrassing enough. He was their sweet next-door neighbor that always checked in on Renjun the next morning after partying to make sure he hadn’t done anything harmful to himself and made it into home safely. Renjun appreciated him a lot- except when he made heart eyes at Jaemin whenever he was visiting.

Renjun and Donghyuck fit in with the crowd perfectly. They belonged to each other, and they belonged to no one. Renjun swayed back and forth, belly button piercing on full display, catching the bright lights every so often. 

“Want me to go get drinks?” Donghyuck had leaned forward to almost yell in his ear, trying to be heard over the deafening noise. 

Renjun smiled and nodded, his best friend already heading off- he knew exactly what they both liked. He tipped his head back, immersing himself in the pulsing feeling rocking his body. He wouldn’t trade these nights for anything in the world, no matter how many times he woke up with a pounding headache and a bitter taste in his mouth. He loved seeing Donghyuck in his element — free, elusive, the prettiest damn thing to ever exist. Before long, Donghyuck had already managed to find his way back, straw anchored in his mouth, drink half gone already. 

“Thank you, baby,” Renjun cooed, leaning forward to peck his cheek.

Donghyuck’s hands came up to pull him forward by the collar of his jacket, lips capturing his in a heated kiss. Renjun’s eyes widened, but it wasn’t unwelcome. He tasted like the strawberry daiquiri he’d been sipping on, and the faintest hint of the cigarette smoked before they made their way into the club. The heat of the club they were in was making his head spin, the flashing lights disorienting while he was trying to figure out just why the hell Donghyuck was kissing him.

Renjun pulled away from them when his lungs started to tighten, head spinning. “Donghyuck-” he mumbled, knowing he wasn’t audible over the blaring electronic music. 

Right now wasn’t the time for serious conversation anyway so instead he surged forward and slotted his mouth against Donghyuck’s, their hips pressed together, bodies swarming around them. Almost everyone was tripping or on their way to tripping, but neither of them had taken anything yet. However, Donghyuck must have been turned into his thoughts because he was pulling a small baggy from his pocket, rings on his fingers nearly blinding Renjun from the lights bouncing off of them. 

“Open,” Donghyuck mouthed- and yeah, maybe Renjun was a little too busy staring at his lips, but he obediently parted his lips.

Donghyuck smirked and placed the brightly colored capsule on the tongue that was poking out of his mouth before taking one of his own. Renjun swallowed, closing his eyes. It didn't take long before all the dopamine locked up in Renjun's brain was released. He didn’t know what kind of time passed after that, simply swaying his body back and forth to the music pounding in his ears. He couldn’t focus on one thing or the other, Donghyuck’s eyes melting, his body falling apart at the seams. 

Eventually, his world still spinning, his best friend intertwining their fingers together, he was being pulled through the club towards the entrance. He wasn’t sure if his feet even touched the ground- was it quicksand? How was he not sinking? And before he even knew it, they were back in his apartment. Everything had started to settle back down, Renjun felt like he’d floated back down to earth. The lights weren’t blinding him anymore, and he was hyper aware of how gross and sweaty he was. But he couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it. Being with Donghyuck was a heavenly experience in itself.

Donghyuck laid his head in Renjun’s lap, eyes closed as music played softly from Renjun’s speaker. Renjun threaded his fingers through his hair, faded to the bone, adoring every single feature on his best friends face. Life was so goddamn beautiful when you were in a haze. 

“Have I ever told you how pretty you are?” Renjun mumbled, admiring the moles dotting his best friend's face.

Donghyuck lazily opened his eyes, somewhat bloodshot but not quite there. And yet, the sweetest smile graced his lips. “Once or twice,” 

Renjun chuckled quietly, grabbing the makeup wipes he kept by his bedside. “Close your eyes so I can wipe your makeup off,”

His best friend did as he asked, breathing deepening as he relaxed. Renjun was tender with him, removing the eyeshadow and eyeliner as carefully as he could, free hand gently resting on his cheek. As soon as his face was bare, he tossed the moist towelette into the mini trash can, tracing imaginary lines on Donghyuck’s face. 

Donghyuck turned his head to the side, pressing his lips to Renjun’s bare midriff, hot breath tickling his skin.

Renjun whined softly- that area and his thighs were sensitive. “Donghyuck,” his voice was nothing more than a sigh.

Donghyuck opened his eyes to look up at him, eyes hazy. “Wanna smoke with me, pretty?” he murmured. Sitting up properly, he grabbed the pipe he kept at Renjun’s and loaded it carefully. 

Renjun flicked his lighter on, grazing it over the green. Donghyuck inhaled deeply. Renjun sat back, watching his facial expressions. Before Donghyuck exhaled, he pressed his lips to Renjun’s, passing the smoke to him. Renjun whining softly. Donghyuck gently pushed him onto his back, hands placed on his hips. The room was spiralling out of control.

Donghyuck was pulling impatiently at Renjun’s clothes and Rejun just smiled at him before stripping them off, and Renjun ended up in Donghyuck’s lap, his best friend's arms wrapped around his slim waist. The room was filled with a light haze, and Renjun couldn’t focus on anything but the feeling of being filled, and Donghyuck’s lips on his neck, lightly grazing.

Renjun felt like he was ascending, vision going completely white as he whimpered those three words.

"I love you." 

He didn’t remember much after that. Or if Donghyuck had even said anything to him. 

When he came to, he was tucked into bed, cleaned up.

Renjun started to… hurt, after that. They didn’t talk about it. It was as if it wasn’t important to Donghyuck. Every other day, Donghyuck would burst into his apartment, complaining about Jaehyun. Jaehyun, the “kind of” boyfriend. 

Jung Jaehyun was perfect. Two years older than them, he had a stunning smile, kind but slightly aloof attitude, almost emotionally detached. He was suave. Intelligent. Dressed to the nines for every occasion. Him and Donghyuck had an…. Interesting relationship, if you could call it a relationship. Jaehyun was Donghyuck's muse, which led to them fucking constantly. If Renjun had a dollar for every time Donghyuck came over with hickies and paint still on his body… 

He knew him and his best friend had a very stormy, very tumultuous relationship. Jaehyun was very rooted in the city, very dedicated. Donghyuck… not that he wasn’t dedicated. He was just so free-spirited. Never liked to stay in one place for too long. Wanted to travel, explore, and go with the wind. Which is why they usually fought. Jaehyun wanted him to start settling down. Hyuck couldn’t care less.

It came to the point where Donghyuck was frustrated, and emotional, on the phone with Renjun, who was already getting dressed, ready to go get him. Phone squished in between his shoulder and his ear, he mumbled, “Just stay where you are, Hyuckie, alright?”

He couldn’t care less that he sped through a bunch of yellow lights, all he could think about was his best friend. When he pulled up to his apartment complex, Donghyuck was sucking on a cigarette. Leaving his engine running, he got out and ran to his best friend, gathering him in his arms. “I’ve got you.” he whispered, cupping the back of his head sweetly. 

Donghyuck sniffled, still trembling slightly. “Can we...go for a drive instead of staying here?”

Renjun pulled his head away so he could look at him, and smiled. “Let’s drive.” he slipped his keys to Donghyuck’s jacket pocket, knowing how much he loved driving his car.

Some corny synth-pop song played as Donghyuck cruised down the nearly open highway, windows rolled down half-way to allow the cool night air flow through their hair.

Renjun couldn't help but to admire his best friend- his honey brown hair fluffy and brushing gently against his forehead, white button-down a quarter of the way undone, golden necklace laid against his chest.

Renjun reached over and grabbed the hand resting on his thigh, weaving their fingers together and closing his eyes to avoid the side look he knew for a fact Donghyuck was giving him. They’d been driving for at least an hour at this point, Donghyuck taking random roads neither of them were familiar with, but they didn’t care. Something about just being together, getting lost together, made them feel better.

It all spiralled from there. 

Renjun didn’t notice himself start to break, but when he did, it caught them both by surprise. Of course, they weren’t seeing each other and neither of them had ever even brought up something like that, but something ached deep inside of Renjun when he saw Donghyuck with his tongue down some dudes throat- someone he vaguely recognized as Nakamoto Yuta, someone he only ever saw in passing, but shared a class or two with his best friend. The club heat was all too much, and he wanted to go home, right then.

Yuta’s eyes opened for a split second and met Renjun’s, before he was pulling on Donghyuck’s collar, mumbling through his puffy lips something Renjun couldn’t make out. 

Whatever it was, it made Donghyuck turn around, pulling himself off of Yuta’s lap quickly. “Renjun-”

Renjun’s blood was ice cold. He turned on his heel, pulling his jacket close around him to cover up his exposed skin, nearly running out to the parking lot. Donghyuck wasn’t far behind. “Don’t speak to me,” Renjun barely got through his teeth, almost jamming his keys into the ignition to get them home.

All Donghyuck could do was accept it, riding in the car in utter silence- just in case Renjun decided to kick him out. Renjun was drowning in his own thoughts, unable to process them and his emotions out coherently. The two of them were quiet until they got back to Renjun’s apartment.

“God, Donghyuck, can you just make up your fucking mind?” Renjun spat, throwing his keys down on his bed, eyes narrowed, bitterness and something Donghyuck couldn’t quite distinguish lingering. He was too sober for this conversation in all honesty. All he could do was stand there, speechless. He knew better than to say anything, even if he did know what to say. “You always shove your tongue down my throat whenever I start to talk about anything serious, I can’t ask you whether you mean it when you kiss me or if you’re just trying to use me as a fucking rebound.”

Donghyuck flinched, as if he’d just been punched in the face. “Is that what you think? Do you really think I’d hurt you like that?” he muttered, eyes planted stubbornly on the floor, on the boots he’d laced up earlier- a double knot, as always, so he didn’t trip and fall on the dance floor.

Renjun spun on his heel, flinging his jacket onto the chair stationed at his desk, and ran his fingers through his blonde hair, hand trembling. “I don’t fucking know. Obviously, I don’t fucking know you at all. I thought we were supposed to know each other down to the core.” The last part came out hardly above a whisper, he was shocked his voice wasn’t trembling. 

He didn’t know if he was going to say anything. Try to defend himself. And he didn’t. Renjun was just met with guilty silence.

“I fucking knew it...I knew you weren’t going to say anything,” Renjun shook his head, laughing bitterly before going silent.

Renjun couldn’t stop the tears pouring down his face. This was so humiliating. He never knew his own best friend could break his heart. “Get out.”

Donghyuck’s lips parted in shock. “Wh- Renjun-”

“I said, get out, Donghyuck,” Renjun was never one to raise his voice, but this was the exception. He’d rather be angry than sad. “Don’t make me repeat myself,”

Donghyuck stood there motionless for a moment or two, hurt washing over his face. He must have known he deserved this. But it hurt nonetheless. “Call me when you’re ready,” he mumbled, giving him one last look before he turned on his heel and quickly got out, shutting the door a little too hard.

Renjun didn’t know how much time passed after that, but he curled up in his desk chair, makeup long smudged- from crying or from the fatigue of a long night, he wasn’t sure. He felt… empty. 

When Renjun finally became aware of his surroundings again, he found that Jaemin had let himself into his apartment and scooped him up, pulling him over to his couch and holding him close. “What happened?” he mumbled softly, threading his fingers through his hair. 

“Donghyuck,” he laughed, but it sounded hollow to his own ears. “How’d you even know to come over here?” He wiped at his eyes, trying to weakly smile at him.

His friend’s face went the slightest shade of pink. “I uh… I was at Jeno’s. And I heard yelling so I guessed it was you and Donghyuck. Don’t change the subject,”

Renjun sighed tiredly. He needed a drink, maybe two, but he didn’t want Jaemin to lecture him about feelings. “There’s no point in even talking about it, Jaem.”

“Would it kill you to stop being emotionally constipated?” Jaemin perched his chin on top of his head, holding him in place.

“Yes, and you know it.” he sniffled, sounding like a petulant child. That didn’t stop him from answering him anyway, voice quiet. “He doesn’t feel the same way about me.”

“….isn’t he the one making out with you every other night?” 

Renjun snickered, pulling his knees closer to himself. “Mmmmyup. Every time I try to talk about my feelings, he feels the sudden urge to kiss me and make me forget whatever I’m going to say.”

Jaemin shifted, staying quiet. He respected Renjun so he wasn’t going to say anything rude towards his best friend, but if he and Donghyuck crossed paths... Different story. Eventually, Renjun just sighed quietly, glancing at the clock hanging above Renjun’s workstation. One AM. Renjun shouldn’t be up like this agonizing over stupid, pretty boys that didn’t deserve him. 

“Anyway...you and Jeno, huh?” he grinned to himself.

His friend pressed his fingers playfully into his sides, making him yelp in surprise. “I don’t wanna hear it from you. You’re the one that kept pointing out how cute he was when you moved in,”

Renjun rolled his eyes. “Should I let you get back to him, then?” he teased.

Jaemin felt his face going tomato red. “Nah, we were just playing with his cats and watching movies. He invited me over after we ran into each other after classes were over.” 

They didn’t feel the need to carry on the conversation further, just relaxing. Renjun’s mind kept trying to go back to what had happened with Donghyuck. He’d subconsciously shift and Jaemin would squeeze him slightly, a gentle reminder that he was still there, still holding him. Three AM came and Renjun jerked awake, blearily looking at his alarm clock. “Jaem,” he mumbled, hearing his friend grumble in response, acknowledging that he was speaking to him.

“If you want, you can stay the night or you can go home,” his voice was gravelly from sleep.

“I am not about to stumble out of here at three AM, it’ll look weird,” Jaemin snickered.

Renjun jerked his elbow backwards, jabbing him in the stomach. “Don’t be disgusting or go sleep on the couch,” 

Jaemin unwrapped his arms from him, wiggling his way onto his side of the bed. Renjun appreciated it. “Night, Renjunnie,” he mumbled.

Renjun didn’t even remember falling asleep after that.

Weeks passed. 

Renjun hung out with Jeno and Jaemin more often, wanting to keep himself occupied. He hated being in his apartment alone- it was way too empty without the big personality that was Lee Donghyuck. 

Jaemin saw right through Renjun trying to be more outgoing- if he knew anything about him, it was that Renjun would rather curl up in his desk chair, binge watching some weird space documentaries. But he went along with it. He didn’t like seeing Renjun upset or drowning in his own thoughts.

Renjun kept having nightmares. Almost every single time, Donghyuck couldn’t hear him, and he always left him behind. As if he meant absolutely nothing to him. They left him drenched in sweat, waking up screaming. Jeno would knock and check in on him but Renjun would just shrug it off, looking sickly green whenever he answered the door to tell him thanks for checking on him.

He couldn’t get the images of not being able to catch up with Donghyuck as he left out of his head. Eventually, it got worse. Renjun woke up sobbing, t-shirt clinging to him, heart nearly about to beat out of his chest. He didn’t even think about it, he didn’t think about how he and Donghyuck still weren’t speaking to each other.He was still number one on his speed dial, and the only person he wanted to see.

“...yes, Renjun?” his voice sounded guarded, and muffled- he could already imagine the cigarette hanging from his mouth. 

“Donghyuck,” he whimpered, throat and chest tight from how hard he was panicking.

It sounded like Donghyuck was sitting up, taking the cigarette out of his mouth. “Do you need me to come over?”

Renjun could barely manage any words but his best friend knew what he was trying to say.

Within fifteen minutes, Donghyuck was bursting through the door, throwing his keys in the entryway, and gathering Renjun up in his arms, shushing him and trying to calm him down. “I’m here. I’m here. I’m here.” he mumbled, holding him close. He knew Renjun had awful night terrors, but it’d been at least a year since he last had a bad one.

Renjun buried his face into the niche of his neck, squeezing his eyes shut, tears somewhat slowing down. “Please don’t ever go,” Donghyuck had to strain his ears to make out his words, but his heart shattered once he realized what he said.

“I’ll be here as long as you need me, Jun. You know that,” he replied softly, cradling the back of his head.

Renjun detached himself, wiping his tired eyes. “Then I need you to be completely honest with me, Hyuckie.” his voice was broken, and he hated hearing his best friend like that.

Hyuck felt his anxiety spike, but he owed it to Renjun. He’d been shitty. He nodded before he pulled away from Renjun’s small body, quickly leaving for the kitchen. He came back with some acetaminophen and a glass of water. Renjun always developed terrible headaches after he cried.

Renjun took it gratefully, sipping the water.

“You can ask me anything, Renjun,” Hyuck said after a few moments of tense silence. 

Renjun paused, almost too nervous to ask the only question that’d been circling his mind for the weeks they hadn’t been speaking for. “Did you mean it all the times you kissed me?”

Donghyuck took a deep breath, pausing for a few moments, considering his words. “I did,”

Renjun felt his heart jump into his throat, staring his best friend down intently. "Then….why-?"

A nervous laugh left him. "I was scared. But I couldn't stop kissing you. It felt right. I just didn't know how to ….talk about it. I didn't want it to seem like I was desperate after-"

"Jaehyun." Renjun finished for him, nodding.

Donghyuck paused before nodding. "Jaehyun."

Renjun sat back, subconsciously pouting. His best friend smiled at him, patting his thigh, "Injun, you're pouting like a little baby."

“And? What about it?” he grumbled.

Donghyuck rolled his eyes, sighing affectionately. “I know you’re probably feeling-”

“Self-conscious? Insecure?” Renjun cut in.

His best friends furrowed his eyebrows. “For what, Jun?”

Renjun chuckled bitterly. “Of Jaehyun, stupidhead.” He wiped his nose with his sleeve. “He’s pretty and smart and has drive and he’s kind and-”

Donghyuck cut him off before he started spiraling, “You’re all of those things too, Renjun. You know that. And you’re so much more. My fling with Jaehyun… it was a lot. But you and I have history. And nothing can top that.” 

And Renjun knew he was right. He thought back to the time Donghyuck had brought Jaehyun to lunch with him -- much to Renjun’s dismay and discomfort. He didn’t not like the guy, he was sweet and had a genuine heart, but the way Jaehyun looked at Donghyuck made him sad. Jaehyun was so whipped for his best friend, and he wouldn’t dare ruin that. Donghyuck didn’t shy away from public displays of affection with his lover- but he refused to put a label on the relationship they had. 

“Babe, do you wanna come out with Jun and I tonight?” Donghyuck chirped, popping a chip into his mouth. “I know the clubbing scene isn’t really your thing, but I want you to see my world.” 

Say no. Say no. Say no. Renjun begged the universe for a miracle to happen- and he got it.

Jaehyun chuckled nervously, dimples popping out. “I have a swing shift tonight, and I’m not really a party person… but go out and have fun tonight, you can crash at my place afterwards if you want, I’ll take care of you.” He smiled sweetly at him.

Renjun wanted to celebrate right then and there. Clubbing was his and Donghyuck’s thing- and it would be mighty awkward for Jaehyun to witness Renjun rolling his body against Donghyuck’s. Donghyuck was all too good at masking the way he was truly feeling- damn Geminis- but Renjun knew he was a little bummed out. He tried to act like he wasn’t that invested into whatever it was he had with Jaehyun, but Renjun knew better.

Donghyuck snapped his fingers in front of his eyes, smiling nervously, “Got your head in the clouds, Injun?” God, he looked so pretty in the golden light from his lamp. “Why don’t we just talk?” 

Before Renjun could say anything, Donghyuck was leaving his bedroom to go to his kitchen, coming back shortly with two wine glasses and a bottle of cheap wine.

They stayed up the rest of the night talking, making their way through a bottle of bitter red wine- one of Renjun’s favorites, and Donghyuck wasn’t about to complain about it. They talked about the way they’d been feeling for each other for the past few months, Donghyuck mildly embarrassed to admit that he’d been bottling up his feelings.

“You say that like I didn’t already know,” he giggled, words slightly slurred, throwing his legs across his best friend's lap. 

“I think it’s past your bedtime, Junnie,” Donghyuck murmured before he gathered him up and carried him to his bedroom, pretending he didn’t hear Renjun’s whines. He said he wasn’t tired but they both knew that was a damn lie.

Renjun clung to him like a koala all the way up until Donghyuck had to pull his arms off of him, laying him down as carefully as he could on his bed and tucking him in. Before Donghyuck was about to slip out, giving him a chaste kiss on the temple, Renjun whispered, “Can you please stay the night?”

Donghyuck looked back at him, hesitating for a moment. Renjun was visibly emotionally vulnerable, and he didn’t know how to fix it. But he’d do whatever it took to help him feel normal again. “Of course, honeybee,” he replied softly, a pet name he’d given to him the first time they’d hung out. “I’ll be here.”

**Author's Note:**

> Getting to write this fic and pour my own inner angst into it was such an experience and I'm glad I got to have it. Thank you to my beta who helped push along ideas and connect certain ideas that I didn't quite know how to fill. Thank you to my friends that always encouraged me to keep writing. Thank you reader, for finishing up this fic and hopefully enjoying it.  
> Best regards.


End file.
